Life is what it is - What is normal?

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 05:15:36 GMT

This journal is friends only. If you wish to be added to my friends list, please send me a message. Please also be aware it does contain some adult content and not suitable for younger people.

Being busy and time passing

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:36:23 GMT

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I last made any entries here until I had a moment to check and see how everyone was faring (especially those in the storm-ravaged areas of the country.) Hope you are all well and continue to be.

It's strange how being contacted by someone from your past seems to bring out more. Catching up has its moments of laughter and sometimes a few tears; but in the end it makes the heart feel full to know you have been thought of through the years. If we could hear from those who have passed on, I often wonder what my first words would be. There are so many thoughts that run through my head, I think I would just try to say so many things left unsaid that in the end I'm not sure I would make sense until I could breathe and take a moment to realize I was given a true gift. So often we leave things unsaid, believing our thoughts are known to others. I suppose most times they are, but it is wonderful to hear, or have the chance to say the words before it is too late!

Reflections of the past and wishes for the future seem to intermix in an odd way when you hear from someone who was important in your life. It leaves an impression and I have found myself telling those who mean the most to me how truly grateful I am for having them in my life. You just never know what tomorrow will bring and I never again want to have regrets for the things I wanted to say but never did.

I have promised myself I will not leave this life without saying what needs to be said if it is important to me to voice the words.

The last weeks have been rather interesting and in a strange way a salve to my wounded heart.

Busy downloading a copy of my LJ

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 23:16:41 GMT

With all the changes (made with little notice and if not subscribed to LJ news, none) and impending ones, whether mentioned or not to date; I decided to be safe if I wish to keep a copy of my LJ, I had better start dealing with it yesterday!

If something should happen that boots me from LJ and prevents not only access to current entries but my LJ as a whole; or TPTB decide to lock down archives so they can charge a fee to have access to them, I want to know I was prepared.

** Caveat: NOT to be misunderstood, this possibility has not been mentioned or even hinted at YET!!

However, changes have been coming at a swift pace with the aforementioned little or lack of ample notice and I would like to know that I had foreseen this as a possibility and prepared for it.

Additionally, I will be seeking another site to use. While it will not be LJ as we knew it, one as close as possible if there is one that exists! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Should I eventually find one(?), I will let you know where I land (it won't be Kansas or Oz). In the meantime, I am trying to keep a "wait and see" attitude as to what is happening here with hope the impact will not push me out the door. Unfortunately I am not optimistic, quite frankly, which is why I am preparing myself for the Big Boom!

As for anyone on my friends list if you have another site you use, with your permission, I might open accounts and *friend* you to keep in touch. Should anyone not wish me to do so, please let me know. You won't hurt my feelings and I would rather know than impose upon you in this manner.

Here's hoping it will not come to this, but then I had been optimistic at first and didn't foresee what is becoming of LJ!

LJ is "Friends Only"

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 03:36:28 GMT

I have decided for the time being my LJ will be friends only. Contact me if you wish to be added.

Just breathe...

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 02:19:10 GMT

I think I may have done it again; set myself up for a hard fall. There is something about being caught off-guard that throws my normally instinctive thought process to run off the track, crash and burn.

There is still time to put on the brakes and stop this disaster from happening. Damn, I wish I could see the future. I don't even know why I let the door open a crack. I should have just hung up and left it the way it was.

Maybe I should go with my first instinct and tell him to leave me alone. I am so confused. He said the right things, so far, but as I asked, was it what he felt or what he thought I wanted to hear. There is one thing about him I do know, he is a straight shooter and wouldn't go down that path. He'd as soon tell me to go to hell (he would use stronger language) than do that.

Now I have a bit of time before he calls back to decide whether to see him again or not. I am really torn about this because I know that he could be a wonderful guy if he would just let that wall down a bit instead of being a hard-assed ....

Indecision is such a weakness in me. I do the most foolish things when I am in this state.

So just breathe! Tell him I need time to let this marinate before I cook it. Even the best cut can be bad even though it looks and smells good.

So, looks like I have my best answer to my indecision...just breathe, put on the brakes, and tell him I need time. If what he says is true, and another thing I know about him, he isn't a liar, he will respect my decision. I have nothing to lose, he does as he did before.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 00:16:41 GMT

gentlerose

"Everyone is entitled to go to Hell in their own way. You gotta have a plan!"

'What is your personal life motto?' at QuizGalaxy.com

3 lost entries - 1 reason...

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 08:33:32 GMT

Toby Keith - I Love This Bar

We got winners, we got losers
Chain smokers and boozers
And we got yuppies, we got bikers
We got thristy hitchhikers
And the girls next door dress up like movie stars

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

We got cowboys, we got truckers
Broken-hearted fools and suckers
And we got hustlers, we got fighters
Early birds and all-nighters
And the veterans talk about their battle scars

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

[Chorus:]
I love this bar
It's my kind of place
Just walkin' through the front door
Puts a big smile on my face
It ain't too far, come as you are
Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

I've seen short skirts, we got high-techs
Blue-collar boys and rednecks
And we got lovers, lots of lookers
And I've even seen dancing girls and hookers
And we like to drink our beer from a mason jar

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar
Yes I do

I like my truck (I like my truck)
I like my girlfriend (I like my girlfriend)
I like to take her out to dinner
I like a movie now and then

But I love this bar
It's my kind of place
Just trollin' around the dance floor
Puts a big smile on my face
No cover charge, come as you are
Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar
Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

We got divorcees and a big bouncer man
An old jukebox and a real bad band
We got waitresses and we got barflies
A dumb-ass and a wise-guy
If you get too drunk just sleep out in your car

Reason number 672 why

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar
Play it on out boys
Beer-thirty's over
Got to take it on home

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar
I just love it!

Why....

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 06:32:36 GMT

Why is it, that just at the time you begin to believe you are understanding how things in your life have brought you to where you are and you are beginning to put the pieces together to start living again; all hell breaks loose and you realize that for all the effort you have expended to right the ship, it sinks anyway?

Anyone have a big bucket I can borrow to bail this ship out before the plug I used completely disintegrates causing this bucket of bolts to sink below the rising waves forever?

PC troubles, not my usual "excuse"

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 04:49:00 GMT

Writing this before I lose my connection, again! Hopefully I will finally find what is going on and fix it. Spent some time tonight trying to catch up with friends, but need to get back to the "geek squads" to see if I can find a solution to "PITA's" (pain in the ass) problem, think it is the HD :o( but I am worried that I have been online longer than pita likes and is going to crash on me again very soon!

At least I managed more than the 30 mins I had last night, but may be pushing my luck and need to find some suggestions on the geek squad boards before pita decides to take another vacation!

Be well everyone, and will catch up with you as soon as I find a way to keep pita from taking vacations!

Writer's Block

Wed, 23 May 2007 17:57:45 GMT

How would you describe the face whitaker is making in his userpic?

"Oh crap! Quick, come up with a good excuse!"

From canela, from ......

Fri, 18 May 2007 22:12:15 GMT

Your brain: 100% interpersonal, 80% visual, 120% verbal, and 100% mathematical!

Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers.

Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:

Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.

Link: The 4-Variable IQ Test written by chriscoyne on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

A letter to my Mother on Mother's Day

Sun, 13 May 2007 04:12:02 GMT

How do I tell you what is in my heart when all the words in the dictionary I could use would never be adequate? Those words don’t exist. They are words of the heart; never spoken, never audible. I know, being a mother now myself, that you hear them. They are silent to all but you and me. Love, cherish, thankful, grateful, on and on, but never enough to describe what you have and always will mean to me. If I could rewrite the definition of Mother in the dictionary (as pertains to you) it would only take one word: Indescribable.

I don’t know if I ever told you through all these years how much I wished I were more like you, but I have told others when I have talked of you. Everyone told me how much I was like Dad growing up, and while I was proud to be my “Father’s daughter,” the truth is, I had always wished I had been more my “Mother’s daughter.” I admire your strength and fortitude to have lived through everything you have and still you never show the scars I know have been left on your heart. Many of them caused by me, through my many trials but you have always been there to comfort me; never leaving my side, but bringing me closer into your heart and holding me there through it all.

You held me up when I couldn't stand, picked me up when I fell, and the silent language of the heart was spoken. You were always there when others have left, never judgmental but loving and caring. Perhaps that is the part of me I have from you that keeps the love of my child so deep in my heart. I don't know that many could or want to understand, but I believe you know. The proof is in the pudding, you never let me go even when I did the most unforgivable things.

So back to the beginning I go. Indescribable is my love for you and what you mean to me, not only on this Mother's Day, but all the ones past and future and all the days in between. A bond made from a silent language that can never be broken.

With all my deepest love and unspoken words, I am so very proud and honored to call you Mother, today and everyday.

Damn, I was just hit in the head with a brick...

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 02:15:34 GMT

I had just written an entry (trying once more to be more diligent in my entries) when just as I was about to post it - the brick hit and after bouncing off my head, landed on the "delete key". That is the only explanation I have after comparing myself to a sloth - spending a lot of time hanging around and not doing much else on LJ.

Perhaps there is a sloth about and took my remark as rude and used all its energy for the day (maybe two) to throw the brick.

Come to think of it, I think that is part of my problem. Seems I have a penchant of late to hit the wrong key and delete my entries. Frustration rules after I have done it a few times and I give up. Maybe I need to write it in Word and then copy it here. An idea to consider. I wonder if it would help? Most likely not, the delete key works there too, but I'll keep trying.

Ok, ok, poor excuse but it is the only one I have and I am using it! LOL

The deed is done

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 06:48:22 GMT

He must have known when I phoned what was coming. Answering machine picked up and I left a message for him to call me back ASAP (well not quite ASAP, but it was inferred). No reply. After waiting several hours, knowing well that he would be in after a certain hour, I called again. Machine answers...I am not going to talk to you on your answering machine, which will most likely cut me off - but then it would be the way it used to be when you would hang up when you didn't want to hear the truth...I will wait another hour and if I don't hear from you, I have no choice but to tell you what I need to in an email.

We had an agreement so long as we were trying to see if we had something, we wouldn't date others. Timing is funny sometimes. Today I received a call from a friend to see if I would have dinner with him. Being a person of my word, I knew I had to take care of business before making a date.

My answer: "I would love to have dinner, but I have something to take care of first, call me in a few days and we can make arrangements at that time."

I ended the agreement with VC, unfortunately via email, and now can make any plans I wish. One chapter ends, another may be starting; or maybe it will just be dinner with a friend, but one I know who cares for me. That is enough for now!

An addendum to the previous post.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 17:14:12 GMT

The look of appreciation by the delivery guy when I opened the door, was what I had hoped to see on your face when I opened the door to you. Looking back on it now, the delivery guy made me feel what you didn't, can't or won't.

Maybe, I should order food from that restaurant again, and hopefully the same guy will make the delivery! He noticed what you didn't. I can't help but think that as he left, he was wishing he was in your place, spending the evening with me. Perhaps not, but he made me feel attractive and appreciated the care I had taken in preparing myself to look my best for you.

I won't call you today. Another day for both of us to consider our relationship (?) whatever that is, and tomorrow I will most likely end it. I take that back, I will end it as it appears it is not going anywhere and as you mentioned, come the spring when you begin racing your bike and traveling, I will be seeing very little of you. Not that I would have asked or expected it, but you made it very clear, this was a solo endeavor and no one would be going along on the trips with you.

Spending a restless night mulling over the situation, there is no point in going forward. I am sorry that this will be an early birthday delivery, but I don't think you would care anyway. Hell, maybe I won't wait until tomorrow! Why put off the inevitable. Just do it and be done with it, and this time will be the end.

The funny part is, we finally made it through the volatile beginning and seemed to be working on the surface. Last night showed me that surface was paper thin and what lay beneath was too deep and too difficult to penetrate. I no longer have the desire to try.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:57:23 GMT

It appears over the last couple of days, oddities have been occurring, more than usual I might add. This has given me something to ponder, as normally this happens over longer periods of time so not quite so obvious or at least not as noticeable to me.

The beginning of the week started as it normally does, nothing wonderful or disastrous. (Note, I did say "normally"!)

I started this last week, promising myself that I would try to write at least once a week...the phone rang and that was the end of my endeavor here. Funny (or not so much) but I could have begun in the same way tonight.

Up, down, and all around has had my head spinning more than normal. I can't quite recall what I was going to write when I began this entry, but I have had this feeling of living a life played in "Groundhog Day".

Why is it when you think you have life (at least my own, somewhat figured out and stable (uh, at least for me) that the world begins to spin off its axis and once again the top is the bottom, the left is the right and nothing quite seems to belong in the place it is?

I have come to the conclusion that trying to please others at the expense of my own, is no longer a valid action and from this moment on, I am first! Tonight I have decided that my happiness is no less important than others. So VC, I think you may have had your last date with moi!

Funny thing is that I understand you more than you think, and maybe even more than you do yourself. Even with this knowledge, I cannot continue in this way and I believe we both expressed our feelings in those few minutes before we parted tonight. I have done all I can to bring you into a better place, the place I know I want to be. Apparently, you are not willing to join me in what could have been a warm place where lives are shared and still have your own space. Your space is vast and there is only a small door that opens infrequently and fleetingly.

I have understood your needs as I have my own, but I have tried to show you warmth and understanding, while you have given nothing back but for a few fleeting moments, and rarely I might add. Patience may be a virtue, but even I have a point that will no longer hold that quality when I am getting nothing back.

Yes, trust takes time and is earned. No one knows that more than I do, but you make it impossible to even get close enough to start. Everything is on your terms, time and place. Understanding this, I have waited until you might begin to let me in. No questions were asked of you. Anything that was forthcoming (very little at that) was on your terms without questioning. This has been going on for months now, and tonight I have finally had enough. When I asked if you even cared that it was me you with and you gave me that look that would shoot arrows through most people, my inner armour deflected the cold darkness of your eyes. You are no longer welcome in my home and even more importantly, my life.

As I said plainly and truthfully, you are cold and do nothing to make me feel that I am wanted or cared for. If only you showed me a fraction of the warmth you have for your dog, I could have held on longer. Why should I? I deserve more than you are willing to give. You take what I offer and give nothing back.

Tonight was going to be special. A night for me to show you that you could know me in a way few others have ever known. Most any other guy would have been thrilled to have walked through my door and enjoyed the pleasure I was willing to share with you. You never even noticed the special care I took to welcome you into my home. The only comment was, "Why are you dressed that way? Why don't you go put something comfortable on. Don't you have any sweats or something?"

D'uh, seduction practically slapped you in the face and I get that response. First and last time you will ever see me in that way or any other. Hope you enjoyed your meal and the drive back to spend the night with your dog! I have no more time to spend waiting for you to show that you care. Goodnight, goodbye and hope you have everything you want with your dog. Apparently you do, because the only time you show any affection is when you talk about her.

A strange ending to an even stranger stretch of time...

I am not dead, just haven't been journaling

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 05:52:13 GMT

I have been checking in to see what is going on in the lives of friends and others, but haven't been inclined to write. It appears that I do better writing in others' journals than my own, when I do! I think my sabbatical is about over and will be making an effort to begin journaling (I know, grammatically incorrect) once again.

Truly, I am really not sure why I have let so much time go by. Lately, time is flying by and I don't know quite why that is. Maybe the holidays had an effect, but I was lacking in the desire before that, so that just won't cut it, I suppose. No excuses! Lazy, uninspired, lack of things to write here, and/or just plain and simple procrastinating.

If I were good at keeping resolutions, I would make one to try, in the very least, once a week make an entry; but that most likely would only make me worse, if that is possible.

Yes, life has been busier than usual, but that is no reason not to take a few moments every other day or so to write a few lines if nothing else. It is just that I rarely ever stop at a few lines, and just ramble on whether it has any depth or import. Not that it needs to be, just that I find that once I begin, I can't seem to end (whether in my own or others) add on the reading time... (le sigh) That being the case, I am usually running late for something, even if is getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

This is not a resolution to do better! However, I will try to be a bit more diligent about keeping a reasonable amount of time between entries! In the event, I don't do as well as I hope to, at least know that I am about, seeing how you are all faring, thinking, and have not forgotten about you.

Wishing you all well, even in my silence,
rose

It's been forever and a day

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 08:59:37 GMT

I am beginning to wonder if I believe in predetermination or making our own path. There was a time that I believed our lives were predestined, and lately, I have begun to think that while we have free will, outside forces can change the course of ones life. So I question predestination and try to understand the implications of choice.

In the past, I thought if your time was up, no matter what you did to change it, it didn't matter. Destiny would rule. Now I wonder if that is true. Can we alter the course of our lives by sheer will? If not that, is it choices made that charter the course of life?

For me, life has been up, down, and all around. I suppose it is the same for most people. Follow the yellow brick road and it will bring you home, but what is home? Is it where you are at peace and happy or is it the place where there are people who love you unconditionally? What is the difference, I know there is one, but I can't seem to find it.

Somewhere over the rainbow -- does it exist and how do you get there? I wish there were a way to find that place. It seems every time I get close, I get lost in the forest once again, trying to find my way out.

"The truth shall set you free"...but will it? I know the truth of my life, but I don't believe it will set me free. There are too many implications that would have an effect on those around me and now is not the time to set the ocean into angry swells. So I hold my secrets to myself and wonder if I will ever have the courage to let them out. There are times I can barely hold my tongue. I want to let it all go and yet in doing just that, I will most likely lose all that I have held dear to me.

Then there are times, I believe I have already lost it but for a few bits and pieces, and what little I have left to hold on to, will disappear with the truth.

So for now I will continue on and hope that a time will come when the fog will lift and the unknown that chases me will show itself in the light and I will be able to see and know it. Maybe then, I will truly find the peace I keep telling myself I have found, when in truth it is just as elusive as it has always been. Somewhere over the rainbow...

A voice from the past

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 01:41:27 GMT

You know a true friend, when no matter what happens or the length of time that passes since you were last in contact, evaporates after "hello!" Such was my night and I know that voice will be there, no matter what! Thank you for the call!

Running

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 04:48:16 GMT

Ever have a dream that you were running away from something or somebody, but didn't know what or whom? I haven't been dreaming it, but in a strange way living it. It is difficult to explain, as there isn't anyone or anything chasing me. More a metaphor for the feeling I have been having the last few weeks.

I have been so consumed with trying to figure it out, that I have let most things fall by the wayside. There are a few possibilities that I have come up with, but wondering what anyone else might come up with and see if any match up with my thoughts.

So, if you have a moment or two, I would appreciate your thoughts. Thanks for helping me figure this out.

Pondering

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 06:39:32 GMT

Someone recently asked me, "if one thing in my life had been different as a child, do I think I would be the adult I am now?"

How can one answer that question without being able to see the future of both scenarios? It is asking a question that has no answer, for unless you had the opportunity to live that existence, how would you know. One change within ones life may change the whole outcome, or would it.

Although the question, when asked, seemed rather foolish and unanswerable, I have found myself pondering the answer. Given different scenarios, would it have made a difference or would it, in the end, be the same. Perhaps a different road traveled, but would it in the end, have brought me to the same place?

Just a thought.

Every Life's Journey

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 00:35:46 GMT

Why is it that just when things appear to begin to go well for yourself, for some of those around you, it reverses and they are afflicted with the ailment of unhappy occurrences that plagued you for so long? For some, if I could, I would take their pain to bring peace and happiness to them. My only hope is that soon, they too will begin to return to this place of tranquility.

Wow, time passes too quickly!

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 03:29:52 GMT

I hadn't realized that I hadn't updated in awhile! My bad! It appears that I have let things go so that I can take care of others (more important, if it matters).

I have not been in contact with my dear friends here for too long, and it is time to rectify that situation. To let you know, those who want to know, life seems to be taking me to a place I have never been before.

Relevancy is the key I believe. I never knew that what was normal for me, may not be for another and therefore never knew that my life has been so out of whack that I couldn't see it. I do now, and in the end that is all that really matters. Knowing now, I can try to do things to rectify all that was wrong. Maybe not all, but enough to make the rest of "my life" matter.

There are so many things and people that I glossed over because I didn't know I was doing something harmful to others. I just didn't care about my life and because of that, I did little to hold the ones, dearest to me, close and in hurting them, hurt myself.

I may not have the opportunity to right all that I have done wrong, but I can try! It is so difficult to see what affects you reap when you cannot see the seeds you sow. I have begun to see what was wrong and even though most of it was beyond my understanding, then, I have begun to see why I did what I did and why I did it. There was no understanding before. My life took its own course and it pulled me along. It didn't matter how, where, or when; only that it was.

Looking back now, I can see a frightened young girl who became a frightened young woman. There is still much to work out, but the beginnings of understanding are there and I can build on that. Hopefully, when the time is right, I will be able to start to heal the broken connections that have plagued me. It is my greatest desire to be the one I was meant to be and to have the love of those whom I love.

Tomorrow is another day, but I cannot get there until I have worked, lived and loved today to earn what is so precious to me. So my dear friends, I tell you now, today, that you have meant so much to me in so many different ways, I cannot list them. You all have been here when I needed to be helped up, and when I could not, you were the soft place to fall and I thank you all for that.

It is my greatest wish that you will all grow, love, learn, and prosper in this day and tomorrow will be as it will.

Love to you all,
rose

Strange times and even stranger things!

Sun, 14 May 2006 05:39:09 GMT

I know it has been awhile since I wrote anything here. It wasn't so much that I had nothing to say, but I suppose too much, it was easier to let the thoughts run around in my head for awhile. Even now it is hard to describe the last few months in a way that would make sense to anyone, but me.

There has been a calmness that has surrounded me and for the first time in a long time, I think I really am beginning to find myself. It is almost as if a cloud has cushioned me and the softness has penetrated my body. The anxiety that filled me, seems to have slowly left and in its place a gentle peacefulness has settled. It may only be for awhile, or it may be permanent, either way I am reveling in it. I am not looking for anything or anyone to fill me. I have found a place inside me that I can go to when things get crazy.

Tomorrow does not exist, yesterday is gone, there is only now and now is wonderful!

Just too tired of it all

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 04:52:19 GMT

He was the one, so I thought. Together we would be happy. Lives growing old together with a love that could not be broken. We would end together as we had come together in life. There would be no other that would become an obstacle to overcome.

Then, out of the blue, he said he couldn't hurt me and thought it best to let go now, before it was much more difficult. I guess I must be thankful to him for that. For lies are the worst kind of deceit. I am not bitter, nor am I broken, for in the words he spoke, he gave me a gift that I will forever treasure; the truth.

I wish you no ill, may your life be as you wished and thank you for your honesty, for that in the end made me stronger and with the strength you have given me, I will go on to other things without the bitter taste you might have left. Instead, you gave me a strength I had never known, and for that I am grateful. I hope that in some way I have served you well.

rose